Why America Should Become a Part of Canada

A few months ago there was an item posted of several of the political humor and satire sites calling for the United States to revoke the Declaration of Independence, pass a Congressional Resolution in which the United States would apologize to Great Britain over that “little misunderstanding” some 200 years ago, and humbly ask to become a member of the United Kingdom.

Although the item was written with tongue firmly implanted in cheek I think that, basically, it’s not such a bad idea.  In fact, the only thing that I would change is that the United States would petition to become a part of Canada rather than the United Kingdom.  Such a merger would, at the least, be a marriage made in Heaven for both nations.  Among the many virtues of such a union:

1. The goals of the American political left would be met in that the US would finally have socialized medicine, stricter gun control laws, and more taxation extracted from its citizens. The political right would benefit by laughing themselves into a coma when the liberals, now having no agenda to pursue, would be unable to control a single seat in the Canadian New Parliament.

Those that have long pointed to Canada as an example of “compassionate” government-controlled health care would finally get their wish.  Now all Americans would have access to health care. The only drawback to this triumph of compassion over money would be that the citizens live long enough to get an appointment in a system that would combine Canadian inefficiency with good old fashioned American bureaucracy to create a system that would stress death as a cost-containment strategy.  As a side benefit, the economies of Cuba and Mexico would gain billions of foreign exchange dollars as both countries would become “health care Meccas” for those willing to fork over hard cash to avoid becoming a mortality statistic.

Most Americans would have no problem adjusting to Canadian gun control laws since the current American laws are practically identical to those in Canada. A potential roadblock to full acceptance of Canadian laws would be the requirement that, in order to possess a firearm in Canada, one must be either a Canadian citizen or a registered immigrant.  The Canadian judicial system has traditionally been quite intolerant of those who violate the nation’s gun laws.

That portion of the American electorate believing that the answer to any real or imagined “problem” is more taxation would find themselves enveloped multi-orgasmic joy when confronted with the Canadian taxation system.  Or at least they would until it could be pointed out that, under the Canadian system, everyone pays taxes.

Canada, of course, would benefit from gaining the American tax base.  They would also benefit by having some 300 million new citizens to torment with social policies that have already reduced its citizens to mindless automatons that go along with the game just to get their government to shut up.

2.  The American right wing would finally have an effective immigration policy.

In addition to closing the so-called border checkpoints along the current US-Canadian border, the US would immediately benefit from the much stricter Canadian immigration policies.  In summary, these policies state that 1) you don’t get into Canada unless you have a job  waiting on you and 2) if you are in the country illegally and find that you have attracted the attention of the Mounties, you go to jail until you can be deported to whatever third-world cesspool that you came from.  In fact, the only difference between American and Canadian immigration laws is that the Canadians enforce theirs.

And what about all those displaced immigration and customs agents from both sides of the current border?  They would be transferred to the current US-Mexican border to enforce the new Canadian-American immigration policy.  Any agents that are left over would become the staff at the new detention facility dedicated to immigration law violators.  Since no one wants a prison “in their back yards,” this facility would be constructed some 300 miles (~ 500 km) north of Calgary.

Having an effective immigration policy would also deprive the political right of its only platform and would eliminate it from the political theater.  The left would then laugh itself into a coma and thus be unable to control a single seat in the New Parliament.

3. The American public would finally get a real royal family to laugh at and would no longer have to depend on the lower-quality domestic brands.

This would undoubtedly be bad news to the Hiltons, Kennedys, Romneys, Clintons, and other American royalty wanna-be clans but, as citizens of the New Canada, all would be expected to “do their parts” to make the transition from America to New Canada as smooth as possible.

4.  The American “energy crisis” would become a thing of the past.

Once we’ve sucked all the oil out of the Alaskan North Slope oil fields we could then draw from the untapped resources of Canada. And, should those appear to be coming close to depletion, Canada has plenty of uranium that’s just lying there doing nothing.

As a side benefit to such policies, America would be finally rid itself of those tireless; noisy; and generally obnoxious guardians of “animal rights” and of weeds on “public grasslands” collectively known as the “environmentalist lobby.”  In Canada if you ride your bicycle out to the forest to protest old-growth logging, one of two things has been known to happen: you will either be decapitated by a chain saw or be run over by a logging truck.

There are, of course, many other potential benefits to Canadian-American unification and just as many potential shortcomings.  However, this writer is of the opinion that the gains accrued in such a merger would far outweigh any negative aspects.

Note to citizens of California and/or members of the Green Party: Does the word “satire” ring a bell?


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