“Jesus of Nazareth” Arrested, Held Under Tight Security at Area 51

The international ecumenical community was reported to be in turmoil following yesterday’s unconfirmed report that Jesus of Nazareth had indeed returned to Earth in 2005 but had been arrested by agents of the US Homeland Security Administration and had been held a virtual prisoner since that time at the top secret Air Force/CIA facility known as Area 51.

No word was immediately available on just how the identity of Jesus had been confirmed but, according to sources close to both the Israeli Mossad and the American Central Agency, best selling author Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code) was brought in as a consultant and issued an opinion that the man “was indeed Jesus of Nazareth.”

An informal telephone survey conducted by the Caca Del Toro news agency of Seville, Spain reported that Christian clerics and laymen alike were pleased that “Jesus has returned, but not exactly according to schedule.”  Some American clerics, however, decried the reported arrest.

“What about all this ‘separation of church and state’ crap that we’ve heard so much about?” asked noted televangelist John Boy Peterbuilt of Mobile, Alabama.

The reaction outside the Christian sphere of influence was more restrained, with the Jerusalem Council of Rabbis demanding that a recount of the single vote cast be undertaken immediately while Islamic leaders meeting in Tehran issued a fatwa ordering that Jesus be killed “for the crime of insulting Islam”   although the exact nature of this “crime” was not given

When asked about the reported fatwa, Rev. Peterbuilt replied “I’ll worry about it if Jesus does.  The first attempt to kill Him didn’t meet with much success, did it?”

According to a source within the highest circles of the Homeland Security Administration, Jesus’ return had been detected using “classified monitoring technology” that had been deployed along the American border in October, 2003.

“Our technology detected ‘unusual’ activity indicating that some type of paratroop activity seemed to be in progress. An alert team comprised of operatives from the elite special forces unit Delta, under the command of Col. Jack Ripper, was scrambled from its staging area at Burpleson Air Force Base to investigate” said the source, speaking under a promise of guaranteed anonymity.  Air cover for the operation was rumored to have been provided by elements of the Royal Air Force under command of Gulf War fighter ace Group Captain Lionel Mandrake.

“When the patrol returned, they had in their possession a single prisoner that they had observed making a descent without a parachute. Naturally, we were very concerned that if terrorists had mastered the ability to descend from aircraft without a parachute, that this would constitute a significant danger to American national security.”

There were unconfirmed reports that several suspected terrorists, possibly an advance patrol, had escaped by helicopter.

“The guys were smart,” said another source. “They were actually blowing trumpets, playing harps, and generally raising Hell in an attempt to distract our response team from the guy that was descending without using a parachute.”

Other sources, however, were skeptical of reports concerning the incident.  Burpleson AFB Public Affairs chief Maj. Howard “King” Kong denied that anyone at the base had participated in the alleged events.

“’I’ve been to one world’s fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard” Maj. Kong replied when asked about the reported incident.

In a related incident, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has filed a suit with the 9th District Federal Court claiming that the detention of Jesus at taxpayer expense was unconstitutional on the grounds that it “amounted to a clear endorsement of religion and was thus in violation of the First Amendment to the Constitution’s Separation of Church and State doctrine.”

The presiding judge postponed a hearing on the matter “until such time that this honorable court can read the plaintiff’s petition without collapsing into hysterical laughter.”

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