I’m really disappointed in that here it is September 3rd and no one has come up with a new 9-11 conspiracy. Fortunately, this has given me the time to conduct my own investigation into the “Mother of all Conspiracies,” the JFK assassination. For the sake of clarity, I will present a brief summary of the theories surrounding this tragic event.
JFK was shot in Dallas, TX on the afternoon of November 22, 1963 by 8 riflemen firing from 5 different locations (most of them missed). The assassination was the result of a conspiracy involving the CIA, organized crime, the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover, LBJ, Fidel Castro, the Teamsters Union, powerful Texas oil barons, and the cow that jumped over the moon. All 8 shooters, and the cow, drowned when a getaway car being driven by Ted Kennedy missed the off ramp at the Trinity River Overpass and plunged into the river.
The indisputable proof of this conspiracy is that no cows have been seen in the vicinity of the moon since that time.
Obviously, no one had it right. Until now!
After many hours of diligent research at Sonny’s Bar and Grill, your humble correspondent has discovered the identity of the real assassin, as well as how his co-conspirators have, until now, eluded justice. Acknowledging the great person risk in doing so, I will now expose this vile conspiracy.
Jed Clampett killed JFK!
This conclusion might seem incredulous at first glance, but consider the following evidence.
- Jed Clampett cannot account for his whereabouts on November 22, 1963. His claim that he was “shootin’ for some food” cannot be substantiated by reliable sources.
- His claim that the sudden upturn in “family” finances, the so-called “bubblin’ crude story,” links him to powerful Texas oil interests.
- It was Clampett, acting under orders of his controllers, who fired the fatal shot from the Texas School Book depository. His escape from the scene of the crime was aided by CIA operatives known only as GRANNY (who provided armed protection of the escape route by brandishing a shotgun), JETHRO (driver of the getaway vehicle), and ELLIE MAY (provided a distraction by dancing naked on a nearby grassy knoll).
- After the assassination, the FBI placed the 4 conspirators in the Witness Relocation Program and moved them to Beverly Hills, CA where they remained under the watchful eye of the CIA Chief of Station (code name DRYSDALE) and his Chief of Operations (Code name MISS JANE) where they remained “hidden in plain sight” for at least 3 years.
- Once the Warren Commission report was released and the public was consumed with following the most outlandish conspiracy theories, Clampett and his co-conspirators mysteriously disappeared.
The fate of Clampett and the others remains unknown, but unconfirmed reports suggest that:
Agent JETHRO is currently living in Peru, where he is concertmaster for the Lima Philharmonic.
Agent GRANNY drowned while whitewater rafting in Colorado
Agent ELLIE MAE had a brief career in the adult film industry before disappearing
Chief of Station DRYSDALE “committed suicide” after being indicted for wire fraud during the Savings and Loan scandals of the late 1980s.
Chief of Operations MISS JANE died of cancer (Coincidentally, so did Jack Ruby. Is there a pattern here?)
Jed Clampett died as a result of an accidental gunshot wound received while he was hunting with Dick Cheney
With that out of the way, your intrepid man about town will uncover more such vile conspiracies. Next stop: Roswell!
UPDATE: See the pictures that prove a conspiracy was involved in the JFK Assassination at this link!!