Helpful Hints for Political Candidates

Although the 2008 elections are still 14 months away, it is never too early to plan for the unthinkable: that your candidate will be defeated! Since simple mathematics will demonstrate that any election will produce at least one disgruntled loser, it is imperative to plan ahead.  We will now examine tactics that have been used (with varying degrees of success) in past elections by both the winning and losing candidates.

 The (Insert the opposition party here) are Trying to Steal this Election

This strategy is quite easy to implement, even by newcomers to the political arena.  All one need do is gather as many members of the news media (a group not noted for its impartiality or its collective intelligence) as you can find and then announce that your party (the epitome of honesty and the only true “party of the people”) has discovered that your opposition’s party (composed of evil capitalists and / or other such “enemies of truth and freedom”) is plotting to “steal” the upcoming election.

The above allegation can be used to justify the outcome of the election regardless of whether your candidate wins or loses.  If your candidate wins, you can proclaim that democracy, the “will of the people,” or some other intangible force has prevailed by exposing and then defeating the conspiracy that you invented.

The invented “conspiracy” is of even greater utility if your candidate loses the election due to some unexpected or unplanned development such as a drastic underestimation of exactly how big a lie the voting public will believe.  Should this occur, all you have to do is claim that your candidate’s defeat is “proof” of the previously identified conspiracy!

Many political strategists feel that relying on the simple win-lose outcome of your “conspiracy” is too risky and that a more aggressive course of action is necessary.  This can include any or all of the following tactics.

The Exit Poll Two-Step

Exit polls are generally considered to be an accurate reflector of voting trends, provided that they accurately represent the voting population but, since this posting is about everything but accuracy, you are correct in believing that accuracy has no place in partisan political activities.

In the Exit Poll Two-Step strategy, you must post your survey takers outside polling places in areas where your candidate is certain to win.  This will insure that the percentage of voters supporting your candidate will be higher than those voting for your opposition.  After the polls close and the votes are counted you will have two options available:

1.  If your candidate wins the election, you just throw the exit poll results in the nearest trashcan before heading to the victory party.

2.  If your candidate loses the election you should immediately call a press conference where, citing your biased exit poll results, you claim proof of the existence of your previously identified “conspiracy.”

The 40 – 40 – 20 Principle

Practically all political analysts and other such social parasites will tell you that, in any given election, 40% will always vote for the more liberal candidate, 40% will always vote for the conservative candidate, and 20% will vote for the candidate that makes the most sense in his / her position on issues that appeal to the emotions of the undecided voters.  It is the 20% sector that determines the outcome of any given election and you must get to these unaffiliated voters as early as possible.  This is very important because:

1.  Whoever has the support of the non-partisan 20% will win the election.

2. This same group is able to think for themselves and will not easily be swayed by either your candidate’s idiotic statements or those made by the opposition.

3. Therefore, you should spend day after day of your time and truckloads of money pandering to this group.

The Oprah’s Book Club Strategy

This strategy takes a bit longer to implement and is more complex than the other tactics mentioned here, but it has several unique advantages.  To set this strategy in motion you must:

  1. Write a book.  Better yet, have someone write it for you.  This will allow you to spend more time pandering to the special interest groups that will bankroll your campaign.
  2. Hire a literary agent to convince Oprah Winfrey that she needs to feature your book on Oprah’s Book Club.
  3. Since getting on Oprah’s book list is a guarantee that you will sell millions of copies, you will rake in millions of dollars in royalties that are exempt from the restrictions of the campaign finance laws.
  4. Should you lose the election, go on Oprah’s television show and whine about how the election was stolen.

The Big Lie (the Cynthia McKinney Move)

No one is exactly sure when the Big Lie tactic was first used, but it should always be kept in mind by every candidate and every political party.  This tactic is also the easiest to implement, even if your candidate is a functional illiterate.  An example will serve to demonstrate this tactic.

Say you are a candidate that is so far behind in the polls that moving into single digit territory would be a major improvement.  You should immediately tell the most outrageous lie that you can come up with, such as:

“George Bush knew about the 9-11 attacks but did nothing to stop them so he could invade Iraq and team up with Israel to oppress women and children and steal all the oil for Dick Cheney and Big Oil.”

The above mentioned tactic will invariably meet with at least some degree of success simply because the average American voter will accept as the gospel truth anything that he or she sees on television.

In other words, the future of the Republic may lie in the voting habits of the MTV generation.

Scary thought isn’t it?


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