Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Norman Hsu Emerges as Early Leader in September Stupidity Competition

September 9, 2007

Despite earlier hopes that the competition for the September finalist spot in the “Stupidest Thing of the Year Competition” would produce yet another group that represented a true cross-section of societal stupidity, it looks like the competition will have a hard time beating the early front-runner.

When we last saw Norman Hsu, who was featured in a previous post, he had turned himself in to California authorities after some 15 years on the lam to avoid sentencing in a fraud case (to which he had pled guilty).  Hsu, who posted bail in the amount of $2 million, was scheduled to appear in court on the morning of Wednesday, September 5th for a hearing on whether to reduce the bail to a paltry $1 million and to surrender his passport.  Remember the “surrender his passport” part because we will return to it soon.

When it was time for Hsu to appear in court that morning the only people sitting at the defense table were Hsu lawyers.  Hsu’s absence did not please the presiding judge who promptly ordered that:

  1. Hsu’s $2 million dollar bail be forfeited immediately
  2. A bench warrant be issued for Hsu’s arrest

The whereabouts of Norman Hsu remained a mystery for less than 48 hours when Hsu was found to be a patient in a Grand Junction, CO hospital after becoming ill on a passenger railroad train that was itself en route from California to Chicago, IL.  Hsu was arrested by FBI agents on a charge of interstate flight to avoid prosecution and will be returned to California upon his release from the hospital.

The reasoning that led Norman Hsu, the mastermind behind a multi-million dollar investment scam (he pled guilty to one felony count), to flee California on the very day that he was due in court remains a mystery at this time.  An even bigger mystery is why Hsu’s passport wasn’t confiscated before he was released on bail.

Here is a man (Hsu) who had been on the run for 15 years, who had amassed substantial financial assets during that time; who had raised substantial amounts of money for big-name Democratic politicians by dodging the campaign finance laws; who has built a record as a blatant scofflaw, and the presiding judge didn’t order that Hsu surrender his passport as a condition of being released on bail!

I don’t know which of the two was stupider: Hsu or the judge.  Both men are now strong contenders in this month’s “Stupidest Thing of the Year.”

JFK Assassination Conspiracy Exposed at Last!

September 3, 2007

I’m really disappointed in that here it is September 3rd and no one has come up with a new 9-11 conspiracy. Fortunately, this has given me the time to conduct my own investigation into the “Mother of all Conspiracies,” the JFK assassination. For the sake of clarity, I will present a brief summary of the theories surrounding this tragic event.

JFK was shot in Dallas, TX on the afternoon of November 22, 1963 by 8 riflemen firing from 5 different locations (most of them missed). The assassination was the result of a conspiracy involving the CIA, organized crime, the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover, LBJ, Fidel Castro, the Teamsters Union, powerful Texas oil barons, and the cow that jumped over the moon. All 8 shooters, and the cow, drowned when a getaway car being driven by Ted Kennedy missed the off ramp at the Trinity River Overpass and plunged into the river.

 

The indisputable proof of this conspiracy is that no cows have been seen in the vicinity of the moon since that time.

Obviously, no one had it right. Until now!

After many hours of diligent research at Sonny’s Bar and Grill, your humble correspondent has discovered the identity of the real assassin, as well as how his co-conspirators have, until now, eluded justice. Acknowledging the great person risk in doing so, I will now expose this vile conspiracy.

Jed Clampett killed JFK!

This conclusion might seem incredulous at first glance, but consider the following evidence.

  1. Jed Clampett cannot account for his whereabouts on November 22, 1963. His claim that he was “shootin’ for some food” cannot be substantiated by reliable sources.
  2. His claim that the sudden upturn in “family” finances, the so-called “bubblin’ crude story,” links him to powerful Texas oil interests.
  3. It was Clampett, acting under orders of his controllers, who fired the fatal shot from the Texas School Book depository. His escape from the scene of the crime was aided by CIA operatives known only as GRANNY (who provided armed protection of the escape route by brandishing a shotgun), JETHRO (driver of the getaway vehicle), and ELLIE MAY (provided a distraction by dancing naked on a nearby grassy knoll).
  4. After the assassination, the FBI placed the 4 conspirators in the Witness Relocation Program and moved them to Beverly Hills, CA where they remained under the watchful eye of the CIA Chief of Station (code name DRYSDALE) and his Chief of Operations (Code name MISS JANE) where they remained “hidden in plain sight” for at least 3 years.
  5. Once the Warren Commission report was released and the public was consumed with following the most outlandish conspiracy theories, Clampett and his co-conspirators mysteriously disappeared.

The fate of Clampett and the others remains unknown, but unconfirmed reports suggest that:

Agent JETHRO is currently living in Peru, where he is concertmaster for the Lima Philharmonic.

Agent GRANNY drowned while whitewater rafting in Colorado

Agent ELLIE MAE had a brief career in the adult film industry before disappearing

Chief of Station DRYSDALE “committed suicide” after being indicted for wire fraud during the Savings and Loan scandals of the late 1980s.

Chief of Operations MISS JANE died of cancer (Coincidentally, so did Jack Ruby. Is there a pattern here?)

Jed Clampett died as a result of an accidental gunshot wound received while he was hunting with Dick Cheney

With that out of the way, your intrepid man about town will uncover more such vile conspiracies. Next stop: Roswell!

 

UPDATE:  See the pictures that prove a conspiracy was involved in the JFK Assassination at this link!!

 

“Hoss the Dog:” Tireless Guardian of Parliamentary Procedure

August 30, 2007

One of the advantages in being a second-class citizen in the People’s Banana Republic of New Mexico (PBR-NM) is that I never run out of things to write about. In fact, all I have to do is get out of bed and read the front page of the Albuquerque Journal (known locally as either Pravda on the Rio Grande or as the “Official Newsletter of the Richardson for President Campaign Committee”). Consider, if you will, the following front page headline and lead paragraphs from today’s (August 29, 2007) issue.

Hoss The Dog Had Heard Enough:

Terrier Restores Order at Meeting

Maybe the conservancy district should give the gavel to Hoss.

 

The spirited, white and brown Jack Russell terrier restored order to a heated Middle Rio Grande Conservancy District meeting when he charged to the front of the room and barked at growled at bickering board members…

“Hoss” had accompanied his owner, Valencia County farmer Mike Mechenbier, to the above-mentioned meeting. Before continuing with the story, it will be necessary to explain exactly what the Middle Rio Grande Conservancy District is.

In theory, the Middle Rio Grande Conservancy District is supposed to manage a particularly valuable resource: water from the Rio Grande River that is used for irrigation of farmland. In actuality, the Conservancy District has proven to be a boon to the Albuquerque legal community since the board members spend most of their time suing the chairman who, in turn, sues the board members. It was when the Monday night meeting degenerated into a shouting match (or as the late, great Sheriff of Warren County Georgia, Rodgers Dye, once said “There was a vigorous discussion that resulted in the identification of several sons of bitches”) over who was responsible for a six-figure legal invoice that the great “Dog Day Evening” incident occurred.

According to eyewitnesses, after about a minute of shouting, name calling, and other forms of lively discussion “Hoss” had apparently grown tired of watching a pack of humans act like, well, no pun intended, a pack of wild dogs and responded by running down the aisle where he began barking and growling at the members of the commission. The end result of “Hoss’” display of vocal displeasure is best summed up by Journal reporter Juan-Carlos Rodriguez:

“Hoss’ protest effectively put an end to the loud scene, as most of the room could not help but laugh.”

Your humble correspondent has begun a “Hoss for Congress” campaign. I will keep you advised on how this true grass-roots movement is progressing.

Another “Titan” of Journalism Bites the Dust

August 21, 2007

The turbulent economics that have buffeted the publishing industry for the decades claimed yet another victim this week when the venerable Weekly World News published its final edition.

Long a staple at supermarket checkout lines, laundromats, and bail-bondsman waiting rooms, the Weekly World News and easily recognized by its banner “The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper,” WWN was known for its no-nonsense editorial style and its willingness to publish stories that other newspapers were afraid to carry.  During its all-to-brief, but distinguished, history the WWN could proudly claim that:

Its front-page news stories had aided the Central Intelligence Agency in recapturing the Space Alien after no less than his 17th escape from Area 51.

 

It had facilitated a reunion between the last known male Sasquatch (aka Bigfoot) and his prospective bride after the latter was kidnapped during the Space Alien’s 15th escape attempt.

 

That its discovery of Bat Boy (the world’s only half human, half bat) would forever change the way mankind viewed its relationship with the Earth’s environment.

 

And, but by no means least of all, its pivotal role in the outcome of 2000 US Presidential Election when its lead story “BAT BOY ENDORSES AL GORE!” was credited with insuring the Bush victory in the crucial Florida vote.

 Soon the Weekly World News, along with such staples of American journalism as Ed Anger, “Horse Sense by Lester the Typing Horse,” and “Monkey Business (Astute accounting advice from Sammy the Chatting Chimp)” will be no more.

Even in its death throes the WWN, ever the one newspaper to offer helpful advice to its loyal readers, gave one last piece of advice.

“Buy today, sell on eBay tomorrow!”

In lieu of flowers, the staff (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com) suggests stocking up on ammunition since “the 2008 election is just around the corner.”