Photographs Prove that Jed Clampett Killed JFK

September 5, 2007

osawld-with-rifle-clampett.jpg

 

Image 1: The original image of Jed Clampett that was later altered, with the head of Lee Harvey Oswald being placed over the head of Clampett.

lovefield_jp30jethro-love-field.jpg

 

Image 2: A newly discovered photo of the Kennedys arrival at Love Field showing a man thought to be CIA agent JETHRO (at right) disguised as a Secret Service agent. This proves a conspiracy since there are no FBI / Secret Service records that contain a picture of the man in the photo.

 aftermath.jpg

Image 3:  Photo taken seconds after the shots were fired showing several people rushing to the area of the grassy knoll to watch CIA agent ELLIE MAE dance naked.  Note the two women at right showing embarrassment over ELLIE MAE’s nude distraction.  Also note male child in foreground.  In the interest of those that might be offended by nudity, the nude ELLIE MAY has been edited out of this picture.

 

 

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JFK Assassination Conspiracy Exposed at Last!

September 3, 2007

I’m really disappointed in that here it is September 3rd and no one has come up with a new 9-11 conspiracy. Fortunately, this has given me the time to conduct my own investigation into the “Mother of all Conspiracies,” the JFK assassination. For the sake of clarity, I will present a brief summary of the theories surrounding this tragic event.

JFK was shot in Dallas, TX on the afternoon of November 22, 1963 by 8 riflemen firing from 5 different locations (most of them missed). The assassination was the result of a conspiracy involving the CIA, organized crime, the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover, LBJ, Fidel Castro, the Teamsters Union, powerful Texas oil barons, and the cow that jumped over the moon. All 8 shooters, and the cow, drowned when a getaway car being driven by Ted Kennedy missed the off ramp at the Trinity River Overpass and plunged into the river.

 

The indisputable proof of this conspiracy is that no cows have been seen in the vicinity of the moon since that time.

Obviously, no one had it right. Until now!

After many hours of diligent research at Sonny’s Bar and Grill, your humble correspondent has discovered the identity of the real assassin, as well as how his co-conspirators have, until now, eluded justice. Acknowledging the great person risk in doing so, I will now expose this vile conspiracy.

Jed Clampett killed JFK!

This conclusion might seem incredulous at first glance, but consider the following evidence.

  1. Jed Clampett cannot account for his whereabouts on November 22, 1963. His claim that he was “shootin’ for some food” cannot be substantiated by reliable sources.
  2. His claim that the sudden upturn in “family” finances, the so-called “bubblin’ crude story,” links him to powerful Texas oil interests.
  3. It was Clampett, acting under orders of his controllers, who fired the fatal shot from the Texas School Book depository. His escape from the scene of the crime was aided by CIA operatives known only as GRANNY (who provided armed protection of the escape route by brandishing a shotgun), JETHRO (driver of the getaway vehicle), and ELLIE MAY (provided a distraction by dancing naked on a nearby grassy knoll).
  4. After the assassination, the FBI placed the 4 conspirators in the Witness Relocation Program and moved them to Beverly Hills, CA where they remained under the watchful eye of the CIA Chief of Station (code name DRYSDALE) and his Chief of Operations (Code name MISS JANE) where they remained “hidden in plain sight” for at least 3 years.
  5. Once the Warren Commission report was released and the public was consumed with following the most outlandish conspiracy theories, Clampett and his co-conspirators mysteriously disappeared.

The fate of Clampett and the others remains unknown, but unconfirmed reports suggest that:

Agent JETHRO is currently living in Peru, where he is concertmaster for the Lima Philharmonic.

Agent GRANNY drowned while whitewater rafting in Colorado

Agent ELLIE MAE had a brief career in the adult film industry before disappearing

Chief of Station DRYSDALE “committed suicide” after being indicted for wire fraud during the Savings and Loan scandals of the late 1980s.

Chief of Operations MISS JANE died of cancer (Coincidentally, so did Jack Ruby. Is there a pattern here?)

Jed Clampett died as a result of an accidental gunshot wound received while he was hunting with Dick Cheney

With that out of the way, your intrepid man about town will uncover more such vile conspiracies. Next stop: Roswell!

 

UPDATE:  See the pictures that prove a conspiracy was involved in the JFK Assassination at this link!!

 

September “Stupidest Thing …” Race Already Crowded Thanks to Norman Hsu

September 1, 2007

 

It’s only September 1st but, thanks to the pre-election money-grubbing by the herd of Democratic Presidential Nominee wanna-be’s, the race for the September nomination for the “Stupidest Thing of the Year” is already heating up.

The earlier entries into the competition include:

Hillary Clinton fund raiser Norman Hsu.  Hsu enters the competition because, although he is wanted on a felony warrant in the State of California for failure to appear for sentencing after pleading guilty to a single count of grand theft in 1996 (a year in which he was a major figure in Bill Clinton’s re-election fundraising).  Now, I don’t want to prejudice anyone’s chances to win the September nomination, but you have to admit that he will be hard to beat a man who:

 

1) Despite being wanted in California, engaged in high profile fundraising activities that would have easily revealed what part of the country he was hiding in.

 

2) If the above wasn’t enough to put Hsu on the police radar, he starts throwing his own money into the campaign war chest even though his name and address would be listed on the financial disclosure statement.

Hsu returned to California on Friday, August 31 where he turned himself in to authorities.  He was promptly taken before a judge who ordered Hsu held in the county slammer (did he get the Paris Hilton suite?) until he could post bond in the amount of $2 million.  Hsu was back on the streets 5 hours later.

Hsu’s scofflaw antics while on the run leads to our next candidate, the California Department of Public Safety.

The California cops get a nomination for not having a clue to Hsu’s whereabouts even though he was all over the second (Bill’s re-election) and third (Hillary’s) Clinton campaigns. Do you think that maybe Arnold’s Gestapo was too busy enforcing the laws against smoking in bars and other locations?  How about that they were too busy enforcing the myriad of laws against “hate speech,” “hate writing,” or “not being politically correct?”  Either that or perhaps the word had gone out for the cops to just say “no, we don’t have the slightest idea where Hsu is.”

However, doing or saying something stupid isn’t the only ways to become candidates for the monthly nomination. You can also be nominated by trying to convince us that we’re too stupid to see through a fraud or a scam. This seems to be the tactic adopted by the Paw family.

 According to a copyrighted story in the Wall Street Journal, the six members of the Paw family, all of them claiming the house at 41 Shelbourne Ave. in San Francisco as their residence, have donated a combined $45,000 to Hillary Clinton’s presidential primary bid since 2005, her Senate re-election last year and her political action committee. In all, the six Paws have donated a total of $200,000 to Democratic candidates and political action committees since the 2005.

 
Public records indicate that the Paws own a gift shop and live in a 1,280-square-foot house that they recently refinanced for $270,000. William Paw, the head of the household, is a mail carrier with the U.S. Postal Service who earns about $50,000.  Mrs. Paw lists her occupation as housewife and their children are all employed.

How this family, of relatively modest means, by California standards, has a surplus income that allows it to throw around a quarter of a million dollars has yet to be explained.  To this writer, such largess can be explained by one of the following scenarios (in increasing order of likelihood).

1)      The Paw family has a pile of money and just felt like giving it away

2)      The Paw gift shop is raking in money faster than the owners can give it away

3)      The Paw children are making a bundle

4)    The Paw family lied through its collective teeth to the Internal Revenue Service about their incomes in what is known in legal terms as tax evasion.

5)      Somebody gave the Paw family money that was earmarked for Sen. Clinton’s political aspirations.

As the potential political fallout from Norman Hsu’s fund raising became apparent, the campaign poobahs of the Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Bill Richardson announced that direct contributions from Hsu (those that he made under his own name) would be donated to charity.  In Sen. Clinton’s case, the loss of $23,000 from a campaign war chest estimated to be at least $50 million will go unnoticed. 

Gov. Richardson got off easy since Hsu had only contributed a total of $28,000 to Richardson’s 2006 re-election campaign.  Gov. Richardson’s campaign staff announced that the contributions would be shipped off to an undisclosed charity.  Since Richardson’s re-election campaign raised about $13.5 million yet only spent $12 million, $28,000 is mere chump change

Of the three candidates, Obama gains credibility at the cost of donating the $2,000 that Hsu contributed to his 2004 senate campaign and his $5,000 to Obama’s PAC to another undisclosed charity.

In keeping with at least a degree of fairness Larry Craig, the mow-former Republican Senator from Idaho, gains entry into the September competition by virtue of pleading guilty (without consulting a lawyer) to public indecency charges related to an alleged attempt to initiate a homosexual sex encounter at the Minneapolis, MN airport.

Craig’s entry is felt, by many observers, to be a long shot since resigning from the senate was about the only smart move he had left. su

Thoughts on Politics: Old and New

August 30, 2007

If I had to identify what I considered to be my best personality trait, I would answer with one word: cynicism.

Below is a collection of quotes from the two men that I admire for both their cynicism and their insight. Unfortunately, most readers will be unfamiliar with both authors. It is the purpose of this post to bring to the reader’s attention these two giants of both cynicism and American literature.

***

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1913?) is, in my personal opinion, one of the most underappreciated figures of American literature. Bierce is widely held to be the father of the modern short story as well as being the first author to make use of the concept of a “psychological thriller” over 100 years before Stephen King et al. For those that would like more information concerning Bierce, here is the obligatory link to the Ambrose Bierce page at Wikipedia.

CONGRESS, (Noun), A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

CONSERVATIVE, (Noun), A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

POLITICS, (Noun), A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

REPRESENTATIVE, (Noun), In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

SENATE, (Noun), A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

VOTE, (Noun), The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

***

H.L. (Henry Louis) Mencken (1880-1956) is another literary figure that has drifted into relative obscurity. In this writer’s opinion, Mencken should be considered as one of the true giants of American literature because it was Mencken that more or less created the cynical editorial style that influenced a full century of commentators. Even today, his 1925 reports on the Scopes trial (“The Great Monkey Trial”) are considered to be among the classics of journalism. Once again, here is the link to the H.L. Mencken page at Wikipedia.

As an aside, in the movie Inherit the Wind (which borrowed heavily from the Scopes trial) Gene Kelly plays the character E.K. Hornbeck, which was modeled on Mencken.

Whenever “A” attempts by law to impose his moral standards upon “B,” “A” is most likely a scoundrel.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

H.L. Mencken
***

OK, I’m not in the same class as the 2 gentlemen mentioned above but it’s my blog and I can write whatever I want. The following are a few definitions that I came up with over the years that I hope you will enjoy. Look on the bright side; you don’t get another link to Wikipedia but one to my personal web site.

ACTIVIST, (Noun), One seeking to advance either a personal or group agenda by being as obnoxious as is humanly possible.

ENDANGERED SPECIES, (Noun), A species that, having outlived its biological utility, is attempting to self-destruct.

FORMER, (Adjective), An adjective used to denote one who, having lost an election, is actively conspiring to regain public office.

INAPPROPRIATE DECISION, (Noun), A mistake brought about by one’s own stupidity.

INFRASTRUCTURE BUILDING, (Noun), PORK BARREL SPENDING that occurs in your Congressional district.

INJUSTICE, (Noun), That which has occurred when your candidate is defeated or your client is convicted.

POLITICS, (Noun), The methods and practices used to gain, and hold, access to the public treasury.

PORK BARREL SPENDING, (Noun), INFRASTRUCTURE BUILDING that occurs in someone else’s Congressional district.

RECOUNT, (Noun), A more sophisticated technique than voter fraud for stealing an election. (Verb), to reexamine and retally the votes cast until you are certain that your candidate has won the election.

REFORM, (Verb), To change an existing law in order to maximize your position and/or minimize the position of your opponent.

UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANT, (Noun), An illegal alien.

UNSUBSTANTIATED STATEMENT, (Noun), A lie.

Wayne McDonald, Chat Rooms in Wonderland

“Hoss the Dog:” Tireless Guardian of Parliamentary Procedure

August 30, 2007

One of the advantages in being a second-class citizen in the People’s Banana Republic of New Mexico (PBR-NM) is that I never run out of things to write about. In fact, all I have to do is get out of bed and read the front page of the Albuquerque Journal (known locally as either Pravda on the Rio Grande or as the “Official Newsletter of the Richardson for President Campaign Committee”). Consider, if you will, the following front page headline and lead paragraphs from today’s (August 29, 2007) issue.

Hoss The Dog Had Heard Enough:

Terrier Restores Order at Meeting

Maybe the conservancy district should give the gavel to Hoss.

 

The spirited, white and brown Jack Russell terrier restored order to a heated Middle Rio Grande Conservancy District meeting when he charged to the front of the room and barked at growled at bickering board members…

“Hoss” had accompanied his owner, Valencia County farmer Mike Mechenbier, to the above-mentioned meeting. Before continuing with the story, it will be necessary to explain exactly what the Middle Rio Grande Conservancy District is.

In theory, the Middle Rio Grande Conservancy District is supposed to manage a particularly valuable resource: water from the Rio Grande River that is used for irrigation of farmland. In actuality, the Conservancy District has proven to be a boon to the Albuquerque legal community since the board members spend most of their time suing the chairman who, in turn, sues the board members. It was when the Monday night meeting degenerated into a shouting match (or as the late, great Sheriff of Warren County Georgia, Rodgers Dye, once said “There was a vigorous discussion that resulted in the identification of several sons of bitches”) over who was responsible for a six-figure legal invoice that the great “Dog Day Evening” incident occurred.

According to eyewitnesses, after about a minute of shouting, name calling, and other forms of lively discussion “Hoss” had apparently grown tired of watching a pack of humans act like, well, no pun intended, a pack of wild dogs and responded by running down the aisle where he began barking and growling at the members of the commission. The end result of “Hoss’” display of vocal displeasure is best summed up by Journal reporter Juan-Carlos Rodriguez:

“Hoss’ protest effectively put an end to the loud scene, as most of the room could not help but laugh.”

Your humble correspondent has begun a “Hoss for Congress” campaign. I will keep you advised on how this true grass-roots movement is progressing.

Michael Vick Wins August “Stupidest Thing of the Year” Nomination

August 29, 2007

Soon to be former Atlanta Falcons’ quarterback Michael Vick, by demonstrating that he can still snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, has come from behind to win the August nomination in the 2007 “Stupidest Thing of the Year’ competition.  Vick, who was felt to have effectively removed himself from competition by accepting a plea bargain, overcame a strong challenge from New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson to capture the title.

The story behind Vick’s come-from-behind effort to win this month’s competition could be used as an example of why a “never give up” attitude can still triumph, even late in the game.

Vick appeared to have borrowed the time-tested “I’ve turned my life over to Jesus” strategy from the playbook of perennial powerhouse Paris Hilton when he attempted to explain exactly how he planned to con the National Football League out of banning him from football until the beginning of Jimmy Carter’s second term.  Most observers, however, feel that the Jesus story has been used so many times that the NFL would only consider it if Jesus Himself were to appear before the league’s disciplinary committee to confirm Vick’s claim.

There has been no independent confirmation to the rumor that Vick’s agent has been engaged in securing a starring role for Vick in the rumored upcoming movie The Longest Yard, Part III.

“Jesus of Nazareth” Arrested, Held Under Tight Security at Area 51

August 24, 2007

The international ecumenical community was reported to be in turmoil following yesterday’s unconfirmed report that Jesus of Nazareth had indeed returned to Earth in 2005 but had been arrested by agents of the US Homeland Security Administration and had been held a virtual prisoner since that time at the top secret Air Force/CIA facility known as Area 51.

No word was immediately available on just how the identity of Jesus had been confirmed but, according to sources close to both the Israeli Mossad and the American Central Agency, best selling author Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code) was brought in as a consultant and issued an opinion that the man “was indeed Jesus of Nazareth.”

An informal telephone survey conducted by the Caca Del Toro news agency of Seville, Spain reported that Christian clerics and laymen alike were pleased that “Jesus has returned, but not exactly according to schedule.”  Some American clerics, however, decried the reported arrest.

“What about all this ‘separation of church and state’ crap that we’ve heard so much about?” asked noted televangelist John Boy Peterbuilt of Mobile, Alabama.

The reaction outside the Christian sphere of influence was more restrained, with the Jerusalem Council of Rabbis demanding that a recount of the single vote cast be undertaken immediately while Islamic leaders meeting in Tehran issued a fatwa ordering that Jesus be killed “for the crime of insulting Islam”   although the exact nature of this “crime” was not given

When asked about the reported fatwa, Rev. Peterbuilt replied “I’ll worry about it if Jesus does.  The first attempt to kill Him didn’t meet with much success, did it?”

According to a source within the highest circles of the Homeland Security Administration, Jesus’ return had been detected using “classified monitoring technology” that had been deployed along the American border in October, 2003.

“Our technology detected ‘unusual’ activity indicating that some type of paratroop activity seemed to be in progress. An alert team comprised of operatives from the elite special forces unit Delta, under the command of Col. Jack Ripper, was scrambled from its staging area at Burpleson Air Force Base to investigate” said the source, speaking under a promise of guaranteed anonymity.  Air cover for the operation was rumored to have been provided by elements of the Royal Air Force under command of Gulf War fighter ace Group Captain Lionel Mandrake.

“When the patrol returned, they had in their possession a single prisoner that they had observed making a descent without a parachute. Naturally, we were very concerned that if terrorists had mastered the ability to descend from aircraft without a parachute, that this would constitute a significant danger to American national security.”

There were unconfirmed reports that several suspected terrorists, possibly an advance patrol, had escaped by helicopter.

“The guys were smart,” said another source. “They were actually blowing trumpets, playing harps, and generally raising Hell in an attempt to distract our response team from the guy that was descending without using a parachute.”

Other sources, however, were skeptical of reports concerning the incident.  Burpleson AFB Public Affairs chief Maj. Howard “King” Kong denied that anyone at the base had participated in the alleged events.

“’I’ve been to one world’s fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard” Maj. Kong replied when asked about the reported incident.

In a related incident, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) has filed a suit with the 9th District Federal Court claiming that the detention of Jesus at taxpayer expense was unconstitutional on the grounds that it “amounted to a clear endorsement of religion and was thus in violation of the First Amendment to the Constitution’s Separation of Church and State doctrine.”

The presiding judge postponed a hearing on the matter “until such time that this honorable court can read the plaintiff’s petition without collapsing into hysterical laughter.”

“Stupidest Thing of the Year” Race is Still Too Close to Call

August 23, 2007

The race to decide the August entry in the First Annual Stupidest Thing of the Year competition is growing closer as one candidate removed himself from contention by copping to a plea bargain with Federal prosecutors, another candidate made yet another stupid statement, and a host of new contenders for the title emerged from the sidelines.

This week’s update d list of contenders includes:

Michael Vick, the soon-to-be former quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, accepted a plea bargain negotiated by his attorneys and Federal prosecutors. Vick, by having done the smart thing by copping a plea, is removed from contention for the month of August.

New Mexico Governor and Democratic Presidential hopeful Bill Richardson has strengthened his position in this month’s competition. At a forum with gay rights activists Richardson replied “It’s a choice…” when asked if he believed people were “born” gay. Immediately, the governor attempted to cover this breach of political correctness by adding “you know, I’m not a scientist…”

 

Governor Richardson also appeared to prove that he definitely isn’t a political scientist by admitting that “I screwed up…” when he named arch-conservative Byron White as a model for future Supreme Court justices.

 

Another Democratic Presidential hopeful, Sen. Barrack Obama of Illinois, has emerged as a contender. At a campaign appearance in Virginia he said that, as a result of a springtime tornado in Kansas “… ten thousand people died … an entire town was destroyed …” According to news reports, the actual number of fatalities was 12.

 

Apparently not wishing to concede the race for this month’s winner, the pack of howling wolves known as several Republican Presidential nominee-wannabes are now vigorous contenders.

 

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, in an attempt to explain why none of his 5 sons had enlisted in the military, said “… one of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected…” He later claimed that he had “misspoke.”

 

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani claimed that, following the 9-11 attacks, he was at Ground Zero “… as often, if not more, than most of the workers …” and was thus exposed to the same health risks. He later admitted that “I could have said that better … What I was saying was that ‘I’m her with you’”

With a week to go in this month’s competition, it’s still a wide-open race.

This Week’s Most Misleading Headline

“‘Dangerous’ Dean Poised to Hit Mexico”

The above headline referred to a hurricane named Dean and not to former Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean.

In a related incident, Mexican President Felipe Calderón cut short his Canadian summit talks with Prime Minister Stephen Harper and US President George Bush in order to return to Mexico to personally assess and monitor relief efforts in regions that would be hit by Hurricane Dean. The storm has thus entered the record book as the only hurricane that has caused a Mexican national to return home.

Another “Titan” of Journalism Bites the Dust

August 21, 2007

The turbulent economics that have buffeted the publishing industry for the decades claimed yet another victim this week when the venerable Weekly World News published its final edition.

Long a staple at supermarket checkout lines, laundromats, and bail-bondsman waiting rooms, the Weekly World News and easily recognized by its banner “The World’s Only Reliable Newspaper,” WWN was known for its no-nonsense editorial style and its willingness to publish stories that other newspapers were afraid to carry.  During its all-to-brief, but distinguished, history the WWN could proudly claim that:

Its front-page news stories had aided the Central Intelligence Agency in recapturing the Space Alien after no less than his 17th escape from Area 51.

 

It had facilitated a reunion between the last known male Sasquatch (aka Bigfoot) and his prospective bride after the latter was kidnapped during the Space Alien’s 15th escape attempt.

 

That its discovery of Bat Boy (the world’s only half human, half bat) would forever change the way mankind viewed its relationship with the Earth’s environment.

 

And, but by no means least of all, its pivotal role in the outcome of 2000 US Presidential Election when its lead story “BAT BOY ENDORSES AL GORE!” was credited with insuring the Bush victory in the crucial Florida vote.

 Soon the Weekly World News, along with such staples of American journalism as Ed Anger, “Horse Sense by Lester the Typing Horse,” and “Monkey Business (Astute accounting advice from Sammy the Chatting Chimp)” will be no more.

Even in its death throes the WWN, ever the one newspaper to offer helpful advice to its loyal readers, gave one last piece of advice.

“Buy today, sell on eBay tomorrow!”

In lieu of flowers, the staff (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com) suggests stocking up on ammunition since “the 2008 election is just around the corner.”

Balancing the Federal Budget with an Exise Tax on Stupidity

August 20, 2007

I long ago reached the conclusion that the dream of every political hack and influence-peddler since the days of the Roman Senate is to find something to tax that is both abundant and something that no one would miss, even it were taxed into oblivion.  After years of searching for such a commodity, I have discovered that it would be matter of exquisite simplicity to balance the federal budget and replenish the Social Security Trust Fund, by imposing a federal excise tax on stupidity.

Why would you want to tax stupidity?

In the above paragraph I noted that what is needed for a tax base is something that is both plentiful and present in unlimited amounts.  Obviously, only stupidity meets both criteria.

How would such a tax be levied?

If there is one thing that Congress has perfected to an art form, it’s levying taxes.  All that is needed is to determine the amount of tax to be assessed and then define what constitutes stupidity.  Once those minor details are taken care off, all we have to do is sit back and watch the money start rolling in.

Any tax on stupidity would, of course, be progressive.  This means that each subsequent incidence of stupidity would be taxed at a higher rate than the previous incident.  The trick would be to maximize revenue without encouraging a reduction in the amount of stupidity.  Given the current state of American politics, and society in general, this shouldn’t be a major problem.

Can you explain that “progressive” part again?

A progressive tax is one that increases in proportion to the amount present of whatever it is that you’re taxing.  Under the current system, the more money you have the more you have to pay.  At least that’s the way it’s supposed to work.

Under the new system, you would still have to pony up more money for each act of act of stupidity but each act is going to cost you more.  For example, say that the first act of stupidity results in a tax of $1,000.  The second act of stupidity would cost you, say, $2,000; the third $4,000; the fourth $8,000 and so on.  Simple mathematics demonstrates that, after about the 20th act of stupidity, not even Bill Gates could afford to be stupid.

Who decides what is stupid and what isn’t?

Stupidity will be defined, and the appropriate tax levied, by a Blue Ribbon Commission on the Identification of Stupidity that will consist of 18 members. 

The 9 Permanent Members of  the Commission will be  the 9 currently-sitting Justices of the Supreme Court, with the Chief Justice acting as the Presiding Chairman (or Chairwoman) of the Commission. 

Three members will be chosen by the Permanent Members from a list of candidates submitted by the President of the United States, with the advice and consent of the Senate being duly noted, considered, and then ignored. 

The final three members will be selected at random from the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area telephone directory and serve until the publication of the following year’s directory.

All members of the Stupidity Commission will be paid a salary that is based on the average income (for the preceding three years, and after deduction of the necessary stupidity taxes) of Sean Penn, Paris Hilton, and a member of the Kennedy family to be chosen by lot.

In the interest of integrity, no member of the Executive or Legislative branch of government may act as a member of the Commission until at least two years after leaving office.

What about those with less financial resources?  Will they be prohibited from doing and/or saying anything stupid?

No, not at all.  The act will contain a provision for what will be known as the Earned Stupidity Credit which will consist of vouchers that will be issued to low-income families at the end of each year and redeemed as needed when a family member commits a taxable act of stupidity.

Who would be stupid enough to agree to such a scheme?

Have you watched C-SPAN lately?